The Roxbury Question

Occasionally my mind and heart will be assaulted by a very specific and very philosophical question. This week's question was the same one that Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan used to jerk their heads to, namely, "What is love?"

In all seriousness, the concept of "romantic love" is something we all have a general concept of, but do we really understand what it is or where it comes from?  Such was my intention when I began pondering the question.  With the disclaimer that love is somewhat of a mystery and cannot be fully explained, I offer my conclusions below...

Romantic Love is the concept that encapsulates the experience of a man and a woman who intentionally share a one-on-one bond.

In order to be a romantic relationship, it is a friendship augmented by two things:

1.  Some degree of physical attraction.
2.  An emotional attachment (not a dependency, though).

Avoid this feeling at all costs! A romantic relationship needs to consist of two complete people who are happy on their own and content with who they are. Looking for another person to fill a hole in your heart is a recipe for disaster, and is a sure sign that you need to do some soul-work on yourself. Everyone is at this stage at some point in their life. If that's you right now, take an extended period of time (a few months, perhaps) to focus on your relationship to yourself and to God. Become totally happy with yourself, and content being alone. Then you will be ready to start looking.

Thus, the ideal romantic partner has to have the qualities you would find in any good friend—i.e. shared values, good rapport with you, and availability; they must be both attractive and attracted to you; and they must admire you enough to relish the prospect of spending lots of time in your company.

Lest this seem to over-intellectualize the concept of Love, it should be emphasized that discerning all of this is best done by someone who is in touch with their own emotions, brave enough to explore other people's feelings, and willing to accept reality as it comes.  If your life seems to lack romance, work on these three things and be patient.  The right person is out there, don't worry!

Love in its highest form is self-sacrifice and self-giving love for another person; but this expression of love is a long-term phenomenon (that, it should be noted, is present in non-romantic contexts, as well—such as a parent to a child).  One commits to such self-offering at a wedding, but the sacrifice itself takes an entire lifetime.

Question:  How do we know who is the right person to make such an offer to in Marriage?

Answer:  To someone whom we trust to make the same offering in return.

To the best of my knowledge, following what I've discussed here will lead you to find that person, who is right for you (and vice versa).

Have fun out there!
Joezilla

Why We Fear Habits

Dedicated to the memory of Stephen R. Covey.

It all started with a toothache. Enjoying a lavish all-you-can-eat dinner in the middle of a vacation with my family, I happily chomped into some peel-and-eat shrimp—and discovered I had not peeled as thoroughly as I should have. The result was a sharp pain in one of my molars, that sudden and unexpected kind of pain that scares as much as it hurts, thanks to its uncertain origin.

But in this case, I knew the feeling all too well. This strange toothache likely meant the beginnings of a chipped tooth, a minor dental malady I’d experienced the year before.

My Mom suggested I see the dentist ASAP upon arriving home. I resignedly agreed, reflecting on my decided lack of flossing since my last visit. I have an excellent dentist, and I have made it a sort of personal tradition to try to buoy his faith in mankind by showing for appointments with impeccable flossing habits—the Holy Grail of dentistry. Having kept a dreadful routine of biweekly or—I shudder to admit it—monthly flossing, I felt in no condition to visit the dentist any time soon.

But my Mom replied—and note this well, dear reader, because it is the core of what I have to say here—“Don’t worry. You can accomplish a lot in a little time.” I resolved then and there to floss that very night—which I just did before writing this. I may wake up tomorrow with slightly sore and swollen gums. It will be up to me to work through the initial phase of discomfort and ready myself for my impending dental visit. And if I stick to it, I will be fine. My Mom was right—a lot can be accomplished in just a little time.

We are afraid to revive neglected habits. Why? Because we fear that we will not be able to surpass or even reach our prior achievements. Can the former runner still run that 6-minute mile? Can the high school clarinetist still hit those high notes? Has the history buff forgotten who the 18th President was? It would take a long time to remaster these skills or relearn these fields of information, and always with the looming uncertainty in the background, the question of creeping Doubt: “Could you still be any good?”

The question, though, is irrelevant. People pursue passions because they love them, not just because they are proficient at them. Generally the two go together anyway, but even a rank amateur is still, as G.K. Chesterton pointed out, a “lover” of the thing pursued, because the word “amateur” literally means “lover.”

So if this is your fear, cast it out for the irrelevancy that it is. Perhaps you will only run an 8-minute mile now—but the point is, you’ll be running a mile again! And the same could be said for any revived skill or hobby.

The other fear we often face in reviving an old ability is more absurd, but perhaps even more common: we avoid reviving a habit simply because we fear we might not keep up the habit. Let’s face it, we’ve all been there. We start a habit, it goes well for three days, or maybe a week—and then it all goes down the drain. Something comes up; life gets in the way, as it is wont to do. How is the busy working man or woman supposed to find time to pursue passions?

Hmm. This is a tough conundrum, isn’t it? Well, actually, no. It’s not. There’s a simple solution, and here it is.

Set aside a small amount of time each day (between 5 and 15 minutes) to devote to practicing/building/enhancing/expanding/exercising/refining/reviewing whatever it is that you want to improve. It’s not rocket science, but the two ingredients essential:

1. Small amount of time (5-15 minutes). Less than 5 minutes is so inconsequential as to be nearly pointless, and is easily overlooked or forgotten in a busy schedule. More than 15 minutes begins to be a serious problem for those same busy people. But 15 minutes or less is impossible to refuse. If someone can’t set aside 5 special minutes out of their day, they need to fix their schedule so that they can.

2. Everyday. Fitness guru Jack LaLanne, who died seriously ripped at the age of 96, always insisted that a healthy person work out every day—never miss a workout, even if it has to be a small one. Now for Jack LaLanne, this meant several hours of swimming and weightlifting. For us, it might be a 5 minute jump-rope session, 10 minutes of studying Spanish, or 15 minutes of noodling around on the piano. But the consistency is the point. In his excellent book The Rhythm of Life, Catholic author Matthew Kelly points out that coastlines are changed by daily, repetitive crashings of water against rock. One splash of water, no matter how large, will not reshape an entire coast. Only the reliable, regular waves, rolling in from the deep blue day after day, year after year, century after century, can change the shape of a continent. The force of habit, says Kelly, repeated day after day in a disciplined routine, can have the same effect by reshaping one’s life.

So why worry about dropping a newly-acquired habit? Set a modest goal, and go for it. If you don’t succeed with that, figure out why. If it was a problem of willpower, gather your spirit and try again. If it was a problem of circumstance, address the circumstance or alter the goal.

I believe that the world would be a much greater place if everyone was actively involved in some passionate pursuit of a hobby, skill, sport, art, craft, or otherwise that adds to the world in some way, even if it is just their own world or those the ones closest to them. The human being is a wondrous creation capable of many wondrous things.

So what are you going to start going today? Start a new hobby, or dust off an old one. Give yourself the opportunity you need to, in Stephen Covey’s memorable words, “sharpen the saw.”

Good luck, and God bless you!

Determinedly,

Joezilla

Guided Drift and the Paradox of Faith

"I am glad that I've been able to do what I've done and not been sidetracked along the way. A teacher of mine calls it guided drift. Isn't that wonderful? You're drifting, and yet you've got a rudder."

As Mr. Rogers so satisfyingly puts it in the quote above, life becomes a positive pleasure when we know where we're going and allow this knowledge of our course to give us peace. In order to live effective lives we need to have a purpose, a continuous thread that unites our individual days into a coherent work. That is why Mr. Rogers talks about having a rudder. We need to guide ourselves, and we need to rely on something to give us that guidance.

For a long time I looked at life believing that we all have some inspired moments, and we also have a great many uninspired moments. We must live (so I thought) on those inspirations to get us through the uninspired periods of life, which are far more common. There is a grain of truth in this. We do have peak experiences of happiness, hope, promise, joy, and love—followed by the proverbial descent back to planet Earth, in which we remember our troubles (and perhaps feel a little gloomy that we aren't so inspired anymore).

That said, I now realize that it is not enough merely to live on the inspired moments, like rations on a trip through the desert. No, I believe that God calls us to something greater than that. You see, people living solely on previous inspirations—and waiting for future ones—are not focusing on the day-to-day business of life. They are attaching themselves to that song that used to empower them so much, or they are voraciously rereading that one quote that used to give them such confidence, or talking to that one friend who always cheers them up...the list goes on and on. The point is, they are chasing that feeling rather than living it out. They could be cheering someone else up. Instead, they're focusing on how much they themselves need cheering up.

One of the greatest pieces of advice my Mom has ever given me is: "The best solution for depression is to do something for someone else—to get out of yourself." It is so true, and will doubtless lead to better spirits if we are feeling depressed.

But what about all the moments inbetween the highs and lows? What about the average days, when we drift through our daily grind with no sense of inspiration or mission? We need some thread of constancy to call us back to living our best.

The answer, as is often the case, lies in a common word with a life-changing meaning:

FAITH.

Faith is the answer. Now when I say "faith," I don't just mean "religious belief." I am talking about a lifestyle—a worldview that we can call up with an act of the will, and should work to maintain in every waking (and sleeping) moment. If we can manage to make it part of our modus operandi, it will change our lives—I'll place a 100% guarantee on that.

This worldview has two big components.

The first is the consciousness of God and His plan. The person of faith believes, deep inside, that there is a God Who loves us all and Who has a plan for every individual—a plan that, if followed, will bring them to the self-fulfillment of their highest dreams and deepest longings. I say "self-fulfillment" because we play a role in this plan. We create our own reality, at least in terms of how we respond to the outside world.

But the person of faith can take all of this in stride and proceed peacefully because he knows that if he follows God's commands, then things will go rightly for him. Life will be good. Unexpected events may happen (look at the story of Job!), but God has a plan. We can move forward in peace and happiness, because it all turns out okay in the end. It's pretty amazing, actually. Imagine being able to walk through life in perfect peace. In theory, we can do just that—because God has told us that He loves us and wants the best for us.

That's one part of faith. The other is prayer. God loves us, and wants the best for us. He also wants us to grow closer to Him. One way of describing Heaven, in fact, is a perfect relationship with God. Nothing gets in the way. We remain ourselves, but we are united with Him in some unimaginable and infinitely wonderful way.

But that comes later. Right now, stuff gets in the way. Lots of stuff. Problems, people, things, emotions, sins...the list once again goes on and on! But God has given us ways around these impediments. One of the foremost of these—one of the most foundational practices for a Christian—is prayer. Praying is communing with the Creator. It's a way of accepting His constant, daily calls and saying, "I love you too, God. Now what do you want to tell me today?"

For years, I have vastly underestimated the transformative potential of prayer in the individual life. But now I see that prayer is that thread of constancy. It is what keeps us close to God, even in the midst of struggles. Saying the Rosary or part of the Rosary (a decade or two) every day is such a great way to do this. It will have a lovely effect on your life. Fulton J. Sheen once described saying the Rosary as "saying 'I love You' to our Father." I believe he was right. If you've never prayed the Rosary before, feel free to check out this link for all the instructions and prayers: http://www.rosary-center.org/howto.htm.

Now, I know what you're thinking (if indeed there is anyone out there to be thinking anything): "Great. You've pontificated on faith, but you haven't answered the question of how we stop the roller coaster ride of ecstatic highs, gloomy lows, and wishy-washy times inbetween. I don't think that talking about faith means I'll never feel down again."

Ah, but therein lies the paradox of faith! Faith is not about inspiration or emotion. Faith is believing that your spiritual life is significant, that what you pray makes a difference. Faith is believing that when you pray—whether you feel inspired or not—you are doing something of unfathomable significance. Faith is a lifeline that carries us through whether we are experiencing a high, a low, or a "sideways." It does not guarantee us a life of constant inspiration, but it allows us to avoid that need altogether—because it gives us a higher perspective on life. When we lift our concerns up to God, He lifts us up too.

It's all about that guided drift Mr. Rogers talked about. Faith is our rudder, our guide, but it also gives enough peace to let us drift.

Here's to an hour, day, week, month, year, and life of guided drift,

Joezilla

The Big Race

Once there was a big race.

Three men lined up next to each other on the crowded starting line, excited to begin running.

At the gunshot that signaled the start, the three were off, as fast as bullets. They quickly distanced themselves from the rest of the contestants, as they were among the fastest runners present.

The first man couldn’t help but start thinking while he pounded his way alongside his fellows.
“I saw a girl running back there who looked absolutely beautiful,” he thought. “Perhaps I’m running this race to meet her. I’m not one to fool around with destiny—I’d better slow down so she can catch up.”

This he did, and he met the girl after just a few short minutes of deceleration and detection. She was a slow runner, but he was willing to limit his speed in order to keep pace with her. They had a pleasant conversation through the rest of the race, and when they finished it out they took a handy 12th place.

The second man, too, had seen an enticingly attractive lass at the start of the race. Hoping to meet her in the same manner as the first man, he began to slow down in order to reach the crowd of other runners and search for her. To his surprise, this action was unnecessary, because the very girl he’d spied at the onset of the race then came surging ahead of the pack, soon catching up to the second man, who had already begun slowing down.

It is a pity that he had done this, because the pleasant conversation that ensued could just as easily have been carried out at the vanguard of the race—for these two people happened to be the fastest and ablest runners of all. Neither knew this of the other, though, so they finished together in a mediocre 10th place.

The third man, alone at the front of the pack, didn’t think very much during the race, or at least tried not to. Although an imperfect runner, he knew the secret to success in running, which is also the secret to success in anything else—focus solely on the goal, pouring heart and soul into its achievement. He executed this principle to the best of his ability.

His concentration, too, was flawed and fallible. He fell prey to distraction in the form of a familiar or intriguing face, a memorable piece of scenery, or a peculiar sensation.

But for this, too, he had concocted a counteraction: he had resolved beforehand to remind himself of his goal every time he saw a tree—and this was no rare occurrence, considering that he lived in a temperate inland climate!

So it was that our “little engine that could” puffed his way at the front of the pack, muttering to himself near-constant reminders of his goal, when he spied an odd sight in the road ahead of him, something he had not seen for the entirety of the race—namely, another runner.

This runner happened to be a girl, and happened to be a beautiful girl, at that. Although physically appealing, her beauty lay more deeply in her presence than any particular physical attribute. The mere idea of her, as a romantic might put it, was what attracted this man the most—the mere idea that there was another so focused and driven as to reach his position…and, he suddenly realized, to swiftly overtake him!

With a startled determination, the man redoubled his efforts and surged forward—not to catch up with the girl, but to reach the finish line as quickly and skillfully as possible, devoting all his craft and energy toward that goal. He soon overtook her.

His feminine challenger seemed not disheartened, but somehow inspired by the man’s energetic surge ahead, and thus there began an epic whirlwind of back-and-forth, action against action, as each racer would pull ahead, be superseded by the other, and then regain the lead once more. It was in the middle of this cycle that the finish line was crossed.

The results were indisputable; both racers had crossed the line at the exact same instant. They had tied for first place. Afterward, the two enjoyed a victory celebration of ice cream and milkshakes, which would subsequently be recognized as the first of many dates leading up to a long and happy marriage.

* * *

One might be tempted, like that first man, to say that those two had run the race in order to meet one another. They themselves would testify, however, until the day they died (within the same hour of one another, as it happened), that they each ran that race solely to finish it, and not just to finish it, but to finish it in the best way they knew they were capable of.