Opponents of Gay Marriage: What Do We Do Now?

So this is it.  The long-awaited Supreme Court decision on gay marriage.  Some people are elated, some people are miserable.  Others don't betray any feeling about the whole thing.

For those of us who oppose gay marriage, this may feel like that moment when your team gets knocked out of the playoffs.  We were so invested in this thing, and now it's basically done, right?  Now what?

That's a good question.  Start by realizing that the Supreme Court does not decide right and wrong; all they have decided is what is legal here and now, in this particular country at this particular time.  Beyond that, I have a few suggestions to help us move forward in the right way.  So read on...

Blow it out your ears.

A decade ago, as a politically-engaged high-schooler, I eyed the changing statistics on Americans' view of Marriage with a mixture of apprehension and confidence in the common sense of my fellow citizens. My generation was already somewhat sold on the idea of gay marriage, but it seemed like there was still a fighting chance among rational adults. Anchored by the traditional views of the WWII generation, the public emitted the general silence that a cultural stalemate can sometimes produce.

Fast forward ten years. In a post-Glee world, with much of the Greatest Generation having passed on, the die has been cast--and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it.  Yeah, I'm frustrated.

Like many supporters of traditional Marriage, upon hearing this news I was tempted to sprint into the public square in a desperate act of bravado, trumpeting my feelings through a Facebook status. But that will not do anyone any good (more on that below). Instead, I needed to simply let off some steam through private discussion and activity.

As the military sought remote areas to test nuclear weapons--like the desert or the ocean--so must you find an empty space in which to fire off your extra munitions. The army did this for a reason: so that people wouldn't get hurt. For you, it is no different. Find an outlet for your feelings of frustration and disappointment, an outlet that is not public. Talk to a trusted friend, pray it out, go for a walk or to the batting cages. Above all, do not vent on social media.

Avoid victimhood.

The second thing to do is to avoid feeling like something has been done to you, specifically. You have not been attacked by the Supreme Court. Marriage protesters have not ransacked your property. You are in the same condition you were yesterday. Yes, something you value (Marriage) has been trampled by misguided public (and now legal) opinion, and your pride in America has maybe become a shade more tarnished.

But be careful not to idolize America too much. For decades you've been saluting the flag of a country that allows the murder of unborn children. Why? Because the America you love is an idea and an ideal, not a set of laws or a group of leaders. So don't let gay marriage rain on your Independence Day parade.

Anyway, despite taking some cultural and ideological hits through this decision, you have not been directly hurt. So please avoid giving that impression in the words you speak about this country and this issue. Gay marriage supporters often cast us as feeling somehow threatened by them, or "afraid" of them. The victimhood mentality plays into this false view and makes it real.

It is possible to be against something without feeling fear or hatred towards its proponents. That needs to be made clear by opponents of gay marriage. We are not hurt or threatened by this ruling, but we are very much against it on ideological grounds. It's not personal; it's philosophical.

Don't dance to their tune.

Our next point is related to the last, but is broader. Supporters of gay marriage will be looking for certain signs in you, as anyone would in this situation. They will be expecting bitterness, disillusionment, hypocrisy, and particularly hatred. Oftentimes when we expect someone to act a certain way, we unconsciously attempt to draw the expected behavior out of them with our own words and actions.

Your job is to not let this happen. That means you need to be the most courteous, respectful, and classiest paragon of integrity that you can be. If you do this, there is always the chance that someone might see you and open their mind, even just a bit: "Wow, they really don't seem hateful or bigoted..." On the other hand, display any hint of bitterness or prejudice, and boom--they'll never even think about giving you the time of day, because you have confirmed the stereotype that they were taught.

So make your own music and don't play into the hands of those who would see you fall.  Don't get mad and jump around in circles on Facebook and Twitter.  That invites gloating, which is a recipe for angry and very personal debates, which will not help anyone.

This issue, to the extent that it is an issue now, has changed.  As someone who respectfully disagrees with the status quo and has good reasons for it, it is up to you to write the script for how the conversation goes now.  If you don't, then others will.  I'm not saying that you will change the world. But if you don't, at least you'll have died trying.

WWJD?

What would Jesus do?  It is high time for this catchphrase to make a comeback in Christian circles, because it will guide us with respect to this issue.

I don't believe that Jesus supports gay marriage. That is, in fact, why I don't support it. Jesus was all about love, but he was also a very careful and specific thinker: in Mark's Gospel he clearly endorses a vision of Marriage as the union of one man and one woman: 

But from the beginning of creation, "God made them male and female."
"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh." So they are no longer two but one flesh.
What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.
(Mark 10:6-9)

That said, Jesus would also not log in to Facebook and post his angry rantings, itching for a fight. He would not lash out at anyone. He would quietly accept what happened and move forward in his mission to save souls. And everything he did would be done in love. Because in the end, the world does not stand or fall based on the U.S. Supreme Court's definition of Marriage.

This is not the time for debate, it is the time for evangelization. Now more than ever, this country needs people committed to the truth, living out their commitment in inspiring ways. There simply is no room for anger and bitterness in this convoy.  If you truly believe in the Gospel, does it make any sense to get angry?

Instead, follow the advice of St. Paul, some of the best advice you'll find in the Bible:

Keep alert, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.
(1 Corinthians 16:13-14)

Do you believe in traditional Marriage? Then do what you can to support it. If you are married, strengthen that commitment, that bond. Do something to make it healthier.

Are you single, looking for the one and only? Make sure you are ready for such a sacred and binding commitment as Matrimony. Pursue in yourself the qualities you would value in a mate, and don't settle for less.  Be patient.

We must never compromise on our beliefs, and be prepared to articulate them if called upon to do so. But all that we do must be done in love.

In Conclusion...

This is going to be a strange time for everyone. Do your best to be a rock of stability and wisdom for those God put in your life. And don't forget to smile!