Note: This is not a slam on online dating sites. Several good friends have begun healthy and awesome relationships via sites like Catholic Match, and I am not casting judgment on their choice or its excellent outcome. I am writing this to empower young singles who are being worn down by our relationship-centered culture, and to express my own reasons for choosing not to use an online dating site. Feel free to share it with anyone who might want to read it.
My brother Matt used to be a single guy. A couple of years ago, he met Theresa in a swing dance class. They hit it off, and the rest is [family] history. Their anniversary is coming up in a few months, and they are very happy together. Knowing that I am single and wishing to help change my status, he recently suggested I register with an online dating site called Catholic Match.
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Near the end of the conversation, he boiled it down to a simple thesis: "There are lots of people out there just like you, young teachers who don't have time to go looking for dates. The question to ask yourself is, 'Why not?'"
I admit, I was tempted by his description of the site. It sounded like a veritable buffet of eligible women, trotted out for my perusal. But over the next few days, something odd happened. The more I actually considered the possibility of trying Catholic Match, the more answers to Matt's question ("Why not?") materialized in my head. And with them came the certainty that, at this point in my life, online dating is not the answer for me. I share my reasons here because, as you will see, they address the unhealthy mindsets that far too many of my generation have about relationships, marriage, and being single.
So without further ado, I present the Reasons I Said "No" to Online Dating.
Ask yourself: why are you looking? If your answer is: “because I’m unhappy/bored with being alone, and I’d just really like to be in a relationship…” then you might as well be looking for a date on Jupiter.
1. I don't want a relationship right now.
Okay, I know, I know. Most singles reading this are saying, "Well, I do!" But I'm not so sure of that. I contend that, on some level, you don't. And here's why: you almost certainly have goals you want to accomplish, or questions that you want to answer, that will be much more difficult--if not impossible--to fulfill if you start dating someone or get married.
The fact is, relationships take time and money, and there are a lot of simple decisions--like how to spend your vacation time or that extra money you've been saving--that are rendered more complex when there is a significant other in the picture.
And if relationships take time and money, then marriage and family take all your time, and all your money. That sportscar you were hoping to buy? Try and justify it when you've got mortgage payments due on your house, and a kid on the way. I'm not knocking family life, but I am saying that when you have other people to look after, fun naturally takes a backseat to reality and survival.
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So what is it that you still want to do, that would be easier or more fulfilling on your own? Trip to Europe? Running a marathon? For me, it's music. I want to be a better saxophonist than I currently am. No matter what people say, I know that this goal takes time and commitment that a relationship would greatly hinder. So the time that I am single is a gift, a time to develop a skill that brings me joy, that makes me thrive on a deeply personal level.
So like I said, if you really think it through, you might not want a relationship (at least right this second) as much as you thought. Take care of unfinished business first, because you may not have the chance later on in life.
2. I'm not who I want to be.
So you feel like Marriage is in the cards for you, and you're wondering when you'll meet that special person.
But are you ready for it? Our society's high divorce rate would shrink to almost nothing if everyone would ask themselves this question before popping the question: am I ready to be a good mate?
When I look at myself, I know there are things about me that should change before I propose to anyone. There are virtues that need strengthening, vices that need addressing, weaknesses that would harm rather than help my potential wife and children. It is to these that I must turn my attention now, when I am single, rather than springing them loose on the other person once we have rings on our fingers.
Many people, when giving advice to impatient singles, will say that you should spend your single years making yourself into the kind of person you'd like to meet. This is great advice, but it slightly misses the point, because it presents Marriage as the reason for self-improvement. Marriage should not be our goal; become better for the sake of becoming better, because it's one of the best ways a person can spend their time. If you devote yourself to that goal and hope to one day be married, chances are that someday you will be.
3. Relationships for the sake of relationships are not relationships.
One of my favorite quotes on this subject comes from Joe Weber, who runs the men's style website dappered.com:
The logic behind this statement is impeccable: relationships are about other people. A relationship for the sake of a relationship is not really a relationship.
Many people unconsciously assume that being in a relationship is better than not being in one. But this is absurdly false. Being in a relationship just because you want to be in one is a very self-serving, and potentially dangerous, mindset.
What is the point of your relationship, or why do you want one? Is it simply to fill a hole in you? If that is the case, the relationship will end up doing damage both to you and your significant other.
There has to be more. There has to be a goal in mind that is bigger than serving yourself. As Peter Parker said in Spider-Man 2, "There are bigger things happening here than you and me." He's right. There's a whole world out there, full of problems. Your potential marriage should be part of the solution.
4. Marriage isn't the answer.
The heart of the single person's frustration is the unfulfilled desire to have a significant other in their life. If only she had a boyfriend, everything would be great. If only he had a wife, everything would be grand.
Sorry to burst your bubble, folks, but marriage is not going to make you happy.
Alright, take it easy! I'm not saying that you won't derive happiness from marriage, or that you shouldn't get married. What I'm saying is that, if you think being married is going to solve all your problems, you're extremely and dangerously mistaken.
When two people get married, everything changes...and nothing changes. Marriage can provide many things that being single cannot--a full-time friend who has literally vowed their loyalty to you, deep emotional and physical intimacy, and (at least for a time) dual income, to name a few--but anyone who is married can tell you that there was no magic spell cast at their wedding (Wiccans excluded). The next day, they woke up and were essentially the same person that they were before they got married. Same like and dislikes, same habits, same insecurities and hangups.
Single people, think about all the times in your life that you expected complete fulfillment to come with some milestone. For me, it goes all the way back to buying a Gameboy Color and the "Blue Version" of Pokemon. I just knew that if I owned that game, I would be happy forever. Then I actually got the game, and although it was AWESOME, it didn't grant eternal happiness like I honestly felt it would.
This cycle repeats itself in our lives as we grow older, even when we don't consciously think about it. Most recently for me, it was getting a full-time job. I thought that that would solve all my problems. While I do love my job, and it has proven to be everything I'd hoped it would be and even more, it is not the golden ticket to happiness I unconsciously expected it to be. In fact, it also brought new difficulties to my life that I didn't appreciate not having before I got the job.
If you are putting marriage on this kind of pedestal in your mind and heart, you must stop immediately. It will disappoint you, and you may rush into an unhealthy relationship assuming that marriage will fix everything. It won't.
If you're insecure about being single, getting married will not solve your problem. Your insecurity will simply shift to something else. It will not go away unless you work at it, which can be started and even finished while single.
Conclusion
I'd like to close with a movie quote that sums up the perspective that I hope more single people will adopt as they continue their journey. It comes from one of my favorite movies, Captain America: The First Avenger.
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Steve Rogers, who will soon be transformed into the supersoldier hero of the film, is speaking to the gorgeous secret agent Peggy Carter. He mentions that he's never been dancing before. When Agent Carter asks him why, he responds:
"The past few years [during World War II], it just didn't seem to matter that much. Figured I'd wait."
"For what?" she inquires.
Cap's answer is perfect: "The right partner."
This charming and simple view can save single people a lot of unnecessary frustration and pain, and enable them to accomplish so much more in the time God has given them. I sincerely hope that this post is as helpful to read as it was to write.
Lovingly,
Joezilla
